Fear of losing control in a relationship

The Fear of Losing Control | Conscious Transitions

fear of losing control in a relationship

The fear of abandonment, though not officially a phobia, results in certain in psychology that is thought to stem from childhood loss or trauma. Our behaviors and actions in current relationships are all thought to be the result of old fears and learned You have repressed anger and control issues. When we spiral down into the deeper layers of anxiety – whether relationship anxiety or any other form that anxiety takes – we find some. It reminded me very much of how people are when in relationships. Separation : fear of abandonment, rejection, and loss of connectedness.

In fact, at the heart of many of our relational conflicts are fears. When those fears are triggered, we react and often those reactions are not authentic or productive. Our reactions can be quite destructive if we aren't aware of why we are reacting the way we are and how that affects those around us. Let's take a look at some of the fears that Dr.

Albrecht discusses in his article that contribute to the conflicts in our relationships: To a large extent, many of these fears above come from earlier childhood wounds. I practice Imago Relationship Therapy and in an Imago practice, we see how many of our clients fears are stemming from their earlier years and playing out in very similar ways in their current relationships. For example, the fear of abandonment and rejection could come from a rejecting parent or a parent who was never around.

The fear of not being wanted, respected or valued could come from feeling that way from a significant person or even peers from our childhood.

The Fear of Losing Control

If we were damaged or wounded by feeling those painful feelings, we carry it with us. Sometimes we bury it so deeply we don't even realize they are still there. But, as Pema Chodron teaches, while transitions highlight our sense of being out of control and peel away the illusion of control that we can hold onto during calmer times, the truth is that life itself is one constant experience of change. One moment to the next is never the same. The work is to recognize it and breathe into it, and the more we learn to do this, the more gracefully we can ride the waves.

One of the common manifestations of the fear of losing control is the fear of throwing up. The official psychological diagnosis is emetophobia, which literally means the fear of vomiting. If we poke around we may find an early incident that constellated a fear of choking, but oftentimes the fear manifests independent of a trauma and speaks more to the fear of losing control than anything else.

How our Deepest Fears Sabotage Our Relationships | HuffPost

What is contained inside this fear of losing control? And when we pare down even more, we see that the fear of death is the hub of it own wheel, the spokes of which contain the fear of feeling our feelings which can be translated as the fear of life.

fear of losing control in a relationship

So we arrive again at one of the core tenets of healing work, which Pema Chodron speaks to above: Women are so fragile, needy, indirect. He only cares about being with his friends. Why get so excited?

The Fear of Losing Control

She is too good for you. As soon as she gets to know you, she will reject you. As we shed light into our past, we quickly realize there are many early influences that have shaped our attachment pattern, our psychological defenses and our critical inner voice.

fear of losing control in a relationship

All of these factors contribute to our relationship anxiety and can lead us to sabotage our love lives in many ways. Listening to our inner critic and giving in to this anxiety can result in the following actions: Cling — When we feel anxious, our tendency may be to act desperate toward our partner. We may stop feeling like the independent, strong people we were when we entered the relationship. As a result, we may find ourselves falling apart easily, acting jealous or insecure or no longer engaging in independent activities.

fear of losing control in a relationship

Control — When we feel threatened, we may attempt to dominate or control our partner. This behavior can alienate our partner and breed resentment. Reject — If we feel worried about our relationship, one defense we may turn to is aloofness. We may become cold or rejecting to protect ourselves or to beat our partner to the punch. These actions can be subtle or overt, yet it is almost always a sure way to force distance or to stir up insecurity in our partner.

Withhold — Sometimes, as opposed to explicit rejection, we tend to withhold from our partner when we feel anxious or afraid. Perhaps things have gotten close, and we feel stirred up, so we retreat. We hold back little affections or give up on some aspect of our relationship altogether. Withholding may seem like a passive act, but it is one of the quietest killers of passion and attraction in a relationship.

Punish — Sometimes, our response to our anxiety is more aggressive, and we actually punish, taking our feelings out on our partner. We may yell and scream or give our partner the cold shoulder. In this state of fantasy, we focus on form over substance. We may stay in the relationship to feel secure but give up on the vital parts of relating. In a fantasy bond, we often engage in many of the destructive behaviors mentioned above as a means to create distance and defend ourselves against the anxiety that naturally comes with feeling free and in love.

Learn more about the fantasy bond here. In order to overcome, relationship anxiety, we must shift our focus inward.